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Not enough love

Not enough love

We often deal with a lot of unimportant things in our lives. Only when we go through some really deep experience we do recognize the true values and what is really important. And then we realize that a lot of our problems and worries, which we rate as very important, are trivial.

I already experienced this kind of thing. I bought a new guitar and I went full of joy up to the castle where I worked. The doorkeeper told me: "A girl is climbing the banister on the bridge, it's rather a dangerous thing!" I asked: "Where?" And she showed me the monitoring system with cameras in front of the gate. "Look, she's just here." I saw the girl climbing the banister. She was turned unnaturally with her back down, so I saw her face. I immediately started to run. Her face was a face of a human being who lost everything. I saw the face of a suicide.

In a few seconds I found myself in front of the gate, but it was too late. She jumped down. I could only see her motionless body stretched on the ice 10 meters bellow. The doorkeeper went out and began to lament, but in that time I was already climbing over the castle‚Äôs wall. Some people shouted to me, that it is dangerous, but I continued to climb down the stony wall. I leaned over the girl's body - she was breathing.

I gently touched her and asked: "Are you alive?" The answer was confirmed by her quiet words with fearful content. "Why haven't I died yet?"

Grief penetrated me so deeply, that caused great pity and love. I was never more kind and lovely to anyone else before. I took my jacket off and put it between her broken head and frozen concrete. I thoughtlessly examined her body looking for injuries. Fortunately, she had only bloody hands, but she was not bleeding, so I did not pay any attention to it. Only later I realized that on her wounded hands were marks of her past attempt to slash her wrists, probably by a broken glass, but it somehow had not worked out for her. Perhaps that's why she tried to finish her suffering by jumping from the height.

I realized the courage of the 14-year-old girl and my compassion and love to her became even stronger. I had never loved anybody so much before; nobody needed it that much yet.

The ambulance car arrived almost in about half an hour. Then a routine work and a few meaningless questions followed. The scene was over.

My enjoyment with the new guitar was over, too. If she had needed splint, I would have broken my guitar's fingerboard. Even the music lost its value.

I went downtown, unable to do anything. I could not go back to the regular life - I missed its sense.

While waiting for a bus, I heard two girls talking at the bus stop. They seriously talked about their problem, looking for a place where to enjoy themselves in the evening. After a while I decided to walk further away on foot, because I could not stand their talk. Their problem seemed to be trivial and meaningless. It took me three days until I was able to return to normal life. But I was not the same person anymore. My existing personal value system collapsed and I created a new one; I was unable to live as usual.

Later I found out that the girl was adopted into a Christian family, but her life was probably not any bed of roses. I felt that she had not had enough love, which resulted in her attempt to commit a suicide. It was clear that sweet words couldn't replace a lack of love, as well as care about environmental conditions.

And, after all, how did she end up? She married my friend; they have child and live happily in love. I learned it only incidentally, when he told me, that his wife once tried to suicide. I did not tell anything to him, as the words could not express my joy and happiness from life, which returned into her. It's true: life without love is empty and valueless...


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from 1.1.2007 0 visitors